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With the gas price so high, it's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere 
Getting married is the second most popular thing we do in our lifetime. Getting divorce is the first.
Do you have any Imodium? Me, flirting
I don't take nude selfies Vodka: Oooh yes, you do.
I sexually identify as too tired for this.
It’s like my grandfather used to say: “The more clit sucking you do, the less nagging you’ll hear”
Relationship status: A spider just walked across my thigh and I enjoyed it.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I'm in a liquor store.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I'm at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will destroy a Millennial's ability to even.
If smartphones existed in the 80's, most of us would have a parole officer.
And for my next trick, my brain will chemically balance itself.
"It's not all about how someone looks." - Helen Keller.
Have you ever put butter on a Poptart, it's so frigging goooood . If you haven't put butter on a Poptart, I really think you should .
If MSNBC wants to know where all the detained girls are, then should start by looking in Judge Moore's basement!
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.
I cook, clean, and run errands because I know I can't compete with a vibrator. 