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I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over. 
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
*breaks a sweat* Sweatshop Owner: You’re gonna have to pay for that
Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler's Anonymous?
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
Rest areas are weird.... The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.
"You tube's How to use a fire extinguisher shouldn't have a advert before it.
George W said he spoke with Osama, and Osama said he didn't do it.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn't make you a TV star.
The two things a wife can do to make her husband happy. Pack her bags and leave.
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
Every time I get a kiss, I end up smelling like pepper spray....
"Why is it that a insecure person(d.j.t.) needs to express their accomplishments that they never accomplished.
Now that FIFA is over, it's time to get back to your own goals!
I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.
Some days I survive, other days I don't. It's no big deal either way.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? You smart people just grinned; didn't you?
They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby. 