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Dear problems..plz gimme a discount..I'm your regular customer 
Nothing says “I believe in you” more than when a waiter gives you a single napkin.
I seem to have discovered a new diet plan that appears to be really working for me that's called The Cost Of Food.
And in other news, Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam. His new name is Kareem of Wheat.
The problem with women is they will assume everything but the position.
Gas prices are so expensive...it would be cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere!
You know, I have never been told not to come to a funeral, have you?
For National Dog Day, I told my neighbor's dog to get out of my yard. It's National Dog Day, not take a dump in your neighbors yard day.
Australia Doesn't Exist And People Who Live There Are Actors Paid By NASA.
Every dog has it's day . . . mine has his on the first day of March at H&R Block and usually ends up with a huge tax refund!
I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.
I never drink because I wouldn't want to appear relaxed or approachable.
Cop: You ran someone over. What was your motive? Me: Auto.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.
being #1 isn't always the best, the most popular pencil is #2 .
It's funny, when my wife gives me the silent treatment. She actually thinks it's a punishment.
I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy
What does it mean when you drink an entire bottle of gin by yourself?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
ATTENTION: Due to BBQ setbacks, my ripped beach body Will be postponed another year.
Thank you for understanding. 