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When my mother in-law said she wants to be creamated. I immediatley made her an appointment for next week. 
Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him!
The I before E except after C rule has been disproven by science.
I asked my friends, "Are you Ok?" and they replied, "Yes, especially if you give us half of your money."
What I if told you, you read that first part wrong?
Life is short. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me, then I will.
It's not so much that I love karate as that I hate wooden - planks!
I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
An average person farts 13 times a day......... finally!! I'm above average at something.
It’s so cute when billionaire philanthropists donate less than 1%. Bless their hearts.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 40
I felt naughty asking for my latte to be extra frothy
I always give fat people wrong directions so they can get much needed exercise.
Welcome to your 40's. You get horny anywhere, anytime. Without warning.
This guy at work said not to use (SSD) solid state drives because if they get infected with malware it spreads faster.
Come on people, drink a cup of Folgers and wake up.
Most people write congrats because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions
If you send an e-mail to someone in jail, are you allowed to attach a file?
We need a reality show where Flat-Earthers attempt to find the edge of the planet. 