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Its a little frustrating how my speakerphone literally types everything I say exclamation mark 
"Damn, this is going to get ugly" I thought, as my wife removed her makeup!
A-ah Mario, I have-a de large a-brain!
People are strange? Last night the bloke in the next toilet stall to me started playing with himself? It put me right off my sandwich!
I think my car needs wheel alignment because it’s keeps going towards the liquor store
You know you're really not liked at your job, when they relocate and don't tell you where.
Alcohol doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean..... Against the walls, tables, chairs ect ect
In 5 years there will be no such thing as a baby gender - scan? You'll have to wait until it's 10 years old for it to tell you if it's a boy or a girl!
Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."
Ciick-fil-a surprises Florida man for his 100th birthday with free food for life.
Sept.29 Nickelodeon (kids tv channel) world wide day of play. Turn the kids TV off and send them outside to play.
I'm pretty certain I'll never be a serial killer, since I don't have a middle name!
Instead of testing products on animals, how about testing on people who don’t say thank you after you hold the door open for them. Just a suggestion.
I’m, like, 3 showers and an intervention away from getting my life together.
When I was a kid I thought I would never grow up to be the type of person to go out running every morning. And I was right.
"I'm afraid to fly"...flies all over the world and racks up a ton of frequent flier miles lol
I have the heart of a child. It's in a jar of formaldehyde in my basement.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.
No one has a good time with you unless you pay them. And yes, they were laughing at you.
Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?....any scholars out there? 