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my girlfriend thinks I am in capable of being faithful my wife on the other hand. 
They say to write what you know. Chapter One: Farts
If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.
I wish I was confident enough to wear a pink, all velvet track suit with a fanny pack.
high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board
When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.
I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish. Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.
“Did you just walk past my house, you piece of sheet?” - dogs
him: you’re not like other girls me, at the urinal next to him: how
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed dummycrat loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I've been on in 4 years. 