Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it's only Tuesday.

   Seriously, if you get turned on by watching a woman eat a banana, then you've had some pretty terrible blow jobs.

   I just started using the new Timeline on Facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh!t.

   Yeah, I thought I loved you too... but then I realized I just needed to fart.

   I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.

   The bearded lady, the guy with all the body piercings, the dude with 14 toes, the geek biting the chickens head off... Yep, I'm in WalMart.

   I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass...

   I started doing one of those 10,000 piece puzzles last night and it only took me an hour to flip the table over and start drinking hard liquor.

   I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate ba$tard decided to bounce off my windshield.

   Talking to your ex about your past relationship with them is like logging back on to MySpace. Once you've logged in, you will instantly realize why you left in the first place.

   Guys that take Yoga classes need their man card taken away and shoved up their ass. Oh, nevermind... they'd probably just bend over and pick it out with their teeth.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.

   I gave a homeless lady $5. Friend said I shouldn't because the lady will only buy booze with it. I said So? That's what I'd buy too. You'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep on the concrete.

   There's a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.

   Your face is just fine, but you'll have to put a bag over that personality.

   I'd rather die than commit suicide.

   On a Sunday afternoon, if I dont wake up with a headache, well that just means I was outta liquor or cash...

   I'm so out of your league, even your fantasy version of me ignores you.

   I was mugged by 2 chinese guys. I told the police how they looked like and they narrowed it down to 53,000 suspects.

   I've heard of Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine generals but, what in the Hell is the Surgeon general??? What does he do, order people to shoot somebody and then perform surgery? Talk about "job security" huh?