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If your palm itches, you're going to get something. If your crotch itches, you've already got it. 
My MIL would invite her self to have dinner with my husband and me. Tired of this, one time after dinner I put the dishies on the floor and let the dog lick them clean in front of her. Then put them back into the cabinet. We now have MIL free dinners.
. Since when do you need a ID to buy a box of cereal ?
Ever been so drunk you ate a frozen burrito?
Are self driving cars the brothel of the future?
In Florida we get "I'm still voting" stickers.
How do you tell someone you love them without them making it weird that you're under their bed
If people would just give ugly people a chance and date them too, catfishing wouldn't be a thing.
Sorry you brought logic to a wife fight
Good news for insomniacs! Only 2 more sleeps to Christmas!
I'm assuming lube is for people who can't spit.
Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.
Don't believe your eyes or military satellite photos. Just blindly believe what a guy tells you. If you do, then please contact me so I can sell you shares in my unicorn ranch.
And remember kids...it's on Facebook so it must be true!
I think some of my friends are completely irrational and make bad decisions, and we should hang out more.
I'm working hard to become free... I'm over half way through my Halloween candy already.
When my wife is angry with me, she'll not only stops talking to me, she'll also send me blank tex messages.
. Fun fact Smokey the bear's original name was Hotfoot Teddy.
In a world where you can do anything, do it over there.
Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that. 