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Welcome to your 40's. You now yawn so hard, you shake. 
Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright untill you hear them speak.
Yes I'll be leaving the jean jacket on during foreplay.
So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”
my girlfriend thinks I am in capable of being faithful my wife on the other hand.
They say to write what you know. Chapter One: Farts
If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.
I wish I was confident enough to wear a pink, all velvet track suit with a fanny pack.
high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board
When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.
I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish. Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done. 