Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

   ..thinks her computer is so slow, it must be running Windows B.C...

   How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you.

   No matter how old I get, I will always be overly excited when I receive a hand written letter in the mail.

   Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

   at Ground Zero instead of a mosque they should construct a couple of tall buildings for global trade and commerce. They should be called something like the World Trade Center

   Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".

   The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

   If life were more like a movie, we'd all be dead after about 90 minutes.

   I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.He said, "Sarah... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

   If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

   Never buy a car you can't push.

   Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy? It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

   I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

   Why do repairmen never have the part they need to fix something and say they'll come back in a few days when they get it? It's like a cop showing up to arrest someone and saying "Oh sorry. Looks like I'll need handcuffs. I'll be back in few days with them

   When I see someone using a payphone I always think they're arranging the ransom drop off.

   If you fail at your first two attempts to parallel park, move on.

   Don't reach for the stars. You'll just look like a idiot stretching for no reason.

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne. No need to go that young, L'Oreal.

   ..is drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...