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"did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober" 
I have decided to host the Oscars
[first day as a 911 operator] me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Going to the army navy game doesn't count as visting the troops.
It took just one week for a $1 trillion wipeout in U.S. stocks. Winning?
"Wow, Santa! Have you lost some weight? And have you been working out? I can sure tell...Because you look great for your age!" Rudolph The Brown Nose Reindeer
... Isn't it nice to know that anyone can grow up and become "individual 1."
A Facebook stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. 😂
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Bakers, your technical challenge for today will be the classic American style marijuana brownie. Paul would like for you to each bake 96 dozen and they must look good!
There are four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus 3) You are Santa Claus 4) You look like Santa Claus
2011 - "50 Shades of Gray" sells 125 million copies. 2018 - "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is offensive.
Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship
Just for the record: If your single and planning on asking me out this close to Christmas the only thing you'll be getting from me is a book, which will be do back at the libary just after the new years.
"Wow, this robo-call is really interesting. I'm going to listen to the whole thing!" said no one ever.
I went to my girlfriend’s funeral today..and met her parents for the first time!
What a pair of miserable folks!
Finally fixed the volume on my phone so I can't hear the other person talking.
I had fifty bucks tattooed on my "member". So the next time my wife wants to go out and blow fifty bucks, she can stay home and do it.
I know winter has started when my neighbor returns my rake, and borrows my snow shovel .
In 1984 a light aircraft killed a jogger while making an emergency landing on a South Carolina beach.. which is why I don't jog!! 