SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Would You Like a Table?” … “No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”

   I'm on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.

   I'm now willing to admit that we're stuck with polka dots. They're not f***ing going anywhere.

   It's normal to have a breakfast chat alone in your kitchen with the ghost of Nell Carter, right?

   There's a reminder on my calendar for tomorrow that inexplicably just says "LEOPARD". This has been bothering me all month.

   This is how you know you're at a TX auction: you're in a barn, there's no air-conditioning and there's free booze.

   Remember that there's always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.

   I don't mind when older folks decide to relax and slow down. I just wish they wouldn't do it in their cars.

   Weekend's coming up. What do you say we surf the real world?

   Kissing a girl on her forehead is care, on her cheek is respect, on her lips is love, but kissing her in front of her boyfriend is GUTS

   Can somebody please tell these politicians that say "government doesn't create jobs" that they work for the government.

   Realistically most adults only need to know enough math to cheat the government once a year.

   As long as men have the ability to lie, I will never understand roofies.

   A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering all over the place.

   Quick question: If you're in a car with someone who talks a mile a minute, will going 60mph in reverse shut them up?

   If you want to find a missing person, put their pictures on cigarettes. Smokers are the only ones standing outside in all kinds of weather.

   Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?

   I thank, therefore you're welcome.

   The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

   Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.