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We are 3 months into 2019 and it's still January 
I don't understand people who take a hundred selfies and then pick the best one to post. I mean how do they roll in real life if they look like the other 99?
Eye Doctor: Sir, you're color blind. Me: Wow, that came out of the gray!
In sept 1945 I wish "he" was shot into space instead of his mother being impregnated with him.
The cashier asked if I'd like my milk in a bag to whom I replied "No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container."
Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)
I accidentally walked into the women's room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn't be awkward.
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. After Brett Kavanaugh walks in the room, there's no more bottles of beer on the wall.
Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
Doctor: “Sir....” Patient: “It's MA'AM. I identify as a female” Doctor: “Okay Ma'am. You have testicular cancer”
In this cold weather, it's hard to give people the finger when you're wearing mittens.
I guess I shouldn't have used Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've only begun to scratch the surface.
If whales are so smart, why do they swim so close to Japan?
Why is a person who came in second place in a race be the winner.
Why isn't the Super Bowl on Saturday? My Sunday party plans end about 8pm...
Just got a call from some Woman in Idaho. She wanted to know if I wanted to take a chance on an Indian Blanket? What does that mean?? I hung up. Last time I took a chance on any kind of blanket, I ended up with three kids and a mortgage.
Who died and made Pelosi king?
My mother inlaw standing in front of a mirror: "I feel fat and ugly." . Me to make her feel better: "Well at lease your eye sight is good." 