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Where did we go wrong when in 1969 we could send a man all the way to the Moon and be in perfect contact with them, when in 2019 I cant walking to the next room without losing your cell phone signal. 
I was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.
I take all the credit when we win and blames all the losses on everyone else. That's what makes me normal.
New strategy for college students: Incur as much debt as you can and hope some billionaire pays it off.
You are Dust, and unto Dust you shall return. That's why I don't dust my furniture. It might be someone I know.
if you have to use a snapchat filter for over half of your Facebook pictures, you know you're ugly
We were lucky that we didnt have Exit Polls during our school times.Otherwise, our parents would have started thrashing us 3-4 days in advance of results
spoiler alert...tonight HBO dies
So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, does that make it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?
I can’t wait for the day when all the DJ Khaled fans turn 30 years old. Music today absolutely blows and he’s the leader. Just because you can push a button and yell a random phrase like “go n get it” does not make you an artist.
If you think you can win me over with just food music and a pretty face your damn right!
Now the women of Alabama are pissed off at the governor and threatens to votes Dems next time. Greatest reality show ever!
Spoiler Alert: Penny strangles Sheldon to death on the last episode of The Big Bang Theory.
If I were a cosmetic surgeon my slogan would be, "We can change your bottom line"
Each and every time I hear someone say "Each and every..." I think, "How superfluous".
When I was younger I wanted to play guitar really badly. And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.
Goo Goo Dolls are opening for Lady Gaga. Fans are sure to go Goo Goo Gaga over it.
A woman knocked on my door collecting for a feminist organization. So I gave her some Razors.
How sad it must be when people have no choice but to believe the nonsense that scientists have devoted their entire lives to deceiving you...
If I could time travel I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well. 