SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I spanked myself twice before I left the house today so if you see me being naughty, chill out; I've dealt with it.

   I'm allergic to photos of your cat.

   If ants are so busy, why do they go to so many picnics?

   I drank so much this weekend, that if Dracula bit my neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

   Live each day like you're marked for deletion.

   You can almost pass a lie detector test if you answer every question with "go fish."

   If I ever get arrested.......again..... My one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there......again.

   You have no idea how funny I am to me.

   If I text with "Almost there!" I haven't left yet.

   I'm not the only one that drives to work hoping its a crime scene, am I?

   Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?

   I have the penmanship of a 7-year old arthritic serial killer who's been authorized to write prescriptions.

   But if they stop selling Hummers how are we gonna know who's got a small pen!s?

   To be honest, I'm just trying to look busy until that new Muppet movie comes out.

   I call one of my coworkers "Adobe Updater" because she tries to be helpful, but she's really just annoying.

   If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online customer survey, we're pretty much doomed.

   I pledged allegiance "to the republic for witches stand" until third grade.

   Dear dude holding his wifes purse in the middle of the food court. Have some dignity and at least strike the Heisman pose.

   Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.

   When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time.