Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!?

   Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

   Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare ass pops up on their screen.

   Come on down! You're the next contestant on STFU!

   If ANY OF YOU were to invite me to come over and hang out inside of your pillow fort all day, I would be there - with booze.

   Hey, Facebook ticker, I don't need to know which Yahoo articles my friends have read. What's next, a detailed report of what everyone Googles in real time? No thank you!

   I was hanging around after one of the local field meets last night when I decided to try my hand at pole vaulting. Let me tell ya, if you're ever looking for a guy to make two small poles out of one big one, I'm your man.

   I get made fun of sometimes for being an ole dumb country boy but let me ask you something, when the economy finally falls what's gonna be more important to know? How to plant a garden, fish and hunt or knowing what then fancy opera singers is ah sayin?

   The liquor store. The dollar store. The court house. Top three places where you hope no one notices you.

   If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.

   You know I can think of two... no, three things that really irritate the f*ck out of me... make that four... ok five.... f*ck it... there's like 10 now!

   My co-worker seems to think I need anger management classes... I don't know I think he just needs shut the f*ck up classes.

   I was walking down a street today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought.. "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson!

   Guess it's time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.

   Hey guys, I really need your help. I'm trying to patch things up with my ex-girlfriend so I'm thinking of writing her a poem. What rhymes with, "I still hate you, you f*cking b!tch!" ??

   I don't believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too.

   If you post drama filled status updates about “cleaning out your friend's list” ...you can start with me.

   I am so sick and tired of your sh!t. You are lucky I am not banging your wife and making you watch... just practicing what I will say to my boss if I win the lottery tonight.

   If you want to see the real Hunger Games go to Ethiopia and put a steak at the end of an obstacle course.

   I just told my child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'