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If you don't talk to your cat about catnip.....who will? 
- This just in. I have been certified by the Guinness Book of World Records for surpassing Wilt Chamberlin's record of 20,000. My bed post just received its 20,001 mark on it.
I looked away to not sneeze on my keyboard, and sneezed on the fan and it went in my face
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
very tired (yawn) and hopes he doesn't fall asleep on (yawn) his keyboardddddddddddddddddddddddd
don't piss down his back and tell him it's raining.
looks so much cuter with something in her mouth
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!
having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to church!!!
will try to be nicer if you try to be smarter
boycotting mornings
: far from the regular.
dyslexics are teople poo
wondering, aside from that one thing, how did Mary Todd Lincoln like the play?
Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.
thinking 'if girls had 'mute' buttons!!'
the capital of Montana is not Hannah 