Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I went to this new Chinese restaurant today for lunch... it was off the hook, chain, collar and leash!

   No thanx, bootleg cologne man. I'll pass. I prefer NOT to smell like Febreze mixed with old hotdog water.

   Does anyone know the name of that rap song where they talk about weed and b!tches?

   I spent the afternoon scanning Facebook profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.

   I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.

   It is a tradition in my family to put a one hundred dollar bill in a plastic Easter egg and hide it along with all the other eggs. I have collected the reward for 15 years in a row, also this is how long I have been designated the "hider."

   I'm still waiting for the episode of Extreme Home Make Over where they demolish a hobo's cardboard box and build him a crate...

   "Whatcha doin' ... Payin' bills? I'm just gonna lay on top of 'em, K? Oops, I knocked them all over. Let me shove my ass in your face." - The Cat

   These little 'Hug Juice' barrels are too small! I can finish the thing in one gulp! Let's make them bigger, much bigger, and why juice, let's fill it up with beer! Wait, this sounds strangely familiar....

   Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

   Believe me, I have been trying really hard to pay attention to what you have to say, but somehow, not giving a sh*t always gets in the way.

   I farted today and totaled the Smart Car I was standing next to.

   I will make a book called Math for dummies and I'll sell 1 for 10 dollars or 2 for 30.

   B.I.T.C.H. Beautiful Intelligent Tough Courageous Humorous... Just the way women should be...

   I told the lady Jimmy John delivery driver to give me a call when she was promoted to sandwich making.

   Well, as far as Timeline goes, something tells me my Great-Great Grandchildren are gonna run across mine and say, "WTF!"

   Best I can figure, women have 3 levels of sexy: 1. Got to look good for my man sexy. 2. Got to catch a man sexy. 3. Class reunion, it's on b!tches.

   Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout?

   Pardon me, Ma'am, but maybe you could use one of those unlimited breadsticks you've got there to shut your screaming baby the hell up!

   I tied a string around a pork chop and hung it from the ceiling fan on my porch and now every dog in my neighborhood is dizzy as hell.