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I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane. 
Her: oh my god i’m so wet Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I’m sorry, but some of my classmates look like they went to school with my mom.
not telling you
The Fat Acceptance Movement is the only movement without movement.
Don't blame me for the world's problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining to you why you're wrong.
Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors but furniture polish contain real lemons?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave Popcorn manufacturers: you touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
No more edibles for me !! I just Put My ice cream In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number.
Are there any medium rappers? They’re all lil’ or big.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
I can’t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we shouldn’t have legalized marijuana
Imagine a world where everyone looked like their profile pictures.
If you found your wife or husband on a dating website, it’s only romantic if it isn’t 3 years after you got married.
I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were good years. 