Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You don't know the difference between "your" and "you're?" It's the difference between knowing your sh!t and knowing you're shi!.

   Life is like a pen!s: simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's women who make it hard.

   Justin Bieber's new single "Boyfriend" is a first of sorts, with the song-lyrics being written as if she were a man.

   Men and women shop differently. Men know what they want before they see it. Women don't know what they want until they see it.

   I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight.

   When I pump gas now I do it with my eyes closed cause I'm praying that $35 worth will get me through the week...

   We have the laziest Easter Bunny here....He didn't bother cooking or coloring the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge.

   I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out... "Wow, who knew they had wi-fi up there?"

   I think I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. My liver might have just started waving the white flag.

   I'm tired of boiled eggs so I'm hiding scrambled eggs this year.

   Whenever somebody ask me what's my favorite movie or song, that's exactly the moment when I forget every f*cking movie or song I've ever come across in my whole life!

   Boil an egg and put in on a plate in front of a kid and they will gag... Color it blue and put stripes on it and hide it in the sand box and they will fist fight over it..

   I'm almost finished producing my "Tickle Me Emo" doll. When you tickle it... it says "My life sucks," "I need more black hair dye" and..... these pants aren't tight enough. I just need to stop it from cutting the box it comes in, before it's sold.

   My ole lady needs a TEMPER-pedic mattress cause she keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. :/

   If people came with warning labels they wouldn't be too much different than drug labels: May cause drowsiness, persistent headaches, may reduce the urge to live..... If symptoms persist apply the nearest foot to their ass.

   Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.

   I am in a prison for something I didn't do. I didn't run fast enough.

   So let me get this straight....a giant bunny rises from the dead, commits a bunch of sins, then we eat a pig?

   It's impossible to give 110% -- so right off the bat you are lying to me.