Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice... Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

   I was just fired from my job as an ad executive for Nike. Apparently putting the 'Just do it' label on the crotch is considered "offensive and inappropriate."

   If there is one thing that women have taught me... Is that it is OK to eat dessert before the main course! ;)

   Son of a B*tch! Every time some one likes my status my computer freezes up. I am trying to read my newsfeed so knock it off already.

   Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

   Telling a cop you are so high you thought you were in London wont get you out of a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road.

   I tried dating Native American women, but it really wasn't for me. They're really in tents.

   Jingle bells, my foot smells, I pulled it from your ass. Get a beer and bring it here then pour it in a glass. - My Christmas song.

   I'm too lazy to I throw my hands up in the air and wave them like I just don't care. THAT'S how much I don't care!

   The FedEx lady would not take my package and told me to put my pants back on and quit calling her unless I need to ship an order.

   Going "balls to the wall" is something that I will never ever ever ever EVER do, cuz... youch!

   Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.

   I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.

   Hey, look at the bright side... oh I'm sorry, YOU don't have one of those.

   Just caught a woman texting & driving. I hope she knows it's a very big distraction and if a cop saw her she would get charged a very big fine because it is illegal. Anyway, I guess I should pull over and get some gas, starting to run kind of low.

   It must've been awkward taking a dump during the Hunger Games, knowing that the whole country could potentially be watching you.

   Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.

   Wwhen my wife is angry wit me, instead of giving me the silent treatment..........she jus keeps talking!

   Wow... I'm standing out on the ledge of my building, watching what looks like police and firemen trying to fit a trampoline through the front door! Pfft... Idiots!

   The economy must be bad. I just saw Micheal J Fox working at Home Depot. He was in the paint department.