hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   My retirement plan is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.

   freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

   If you see someone using a payphone, there is a 97% chance you can buy drugs from them.

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to spray paint your name on your garbage cans.

   Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

   ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   Judge told me I had to go to the DMV to get a "blow and go" I was so excited I ran to the hottest girl at the DMV. Now waiting for a bail bondsman because apparently our definitions of a blow and go are waaaay different

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!

   I tought my niece well, when we were carving our pumpkin I heard her wisper to it "that's what happens to snitches"

   The hardest part of halloween is making those skeletons stay in my closet where they belong

   They need to make a commercial for the lottery that's all about a guy using the money for revenge.

   When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

   Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.

   I didn't hear the sea when I held a Shell up. I did however get 6 years in jail for armed robbery on a Gas Station

   I wish "you dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work email

   Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking

   I like to go to Best Buy and drink a cup of coffee in front of the Geek Squad guys then hand them my empty cup and tell them I successfully installed Java....they hate me

   My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it's because she's a big dumb stinkyhead that's jealous of my awesome Transformers collection