Mick F Funny Status Messages

   My dog ate a whole bottle of Tums. I freaked! I called the Vet and asked him what I should do. He said to take him out for Mexican.

   I told some guy his fly was open. He asked me if I noticed a soldier standing at attention. I said. "No, I saw a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

   I keep playing my Highway to Hell cd over and over. I think I have OCDC.

   I would love to see things from your point of view, but I cant seem to get my head that far up my ass

   My buddy got a cheap hooker. He paid ten dollars and woke up the next day with crabs. He saw the hooker and complained. She said, "Whattya want for ten bucks, lobster?!"

   An old guy asks his pharmacist about V*agra. The pharmacist says it works great. The old guy asks him if he can get it over the counter. The pharmacist said yes, if he takes six.

   Someday, I hope to disappoint a burglar with my one and only possession. A kitchen drawer filled with Taco Bell sauce packets.

   A mom knows everything about her kids...their favorite foods, friends, clothes, their school reports and their dreams. A dad is vaguely aware that there are some short people staying in the house with him.

   Some chick with rainbow spiked hair caught me staring. She goes, "What up, dude? Ya never did anything wild?" I said, "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid."

   I used to hate going to family weddings. All my aunts uncles used to poke me and say, "You're next!" They stopped doing it when I'd say the same thing to them at funerals

   The main difference between The North and The South is, that in The North, "Blow Pop" is a noun, not a verb.

   Pharmaceutical Generics: Tylenol=acetamophen, Aleve=naproxen, Advil=ibuprofen. Viagara=mycoxafloppin.

   Chinese couple's wedding night. Time for sex. The bride asks the husband what he wants. He says, "69". She says, "You want Beef with Broccoli?"

   Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

   When a guy opens the door of his car for a girl, you can be sure of one thing, either the girl is new or the car is.

   My girl told me she was miserable in our relationship. She said she lost 10 lbs. I asked her if it was over and she said, "Not yet, I want to lose 15."

   I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

   Mosquito season is here. Put a fabric softener dryer sheet in your pocket to keep those pesky critters at bay. Even if it doesn't work, the Skeeters will be velvety soft and attain an April Fresh scent.

   My father was right up there with Einstein in the Science department...She taught me all about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

   I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."