KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   Of all the people I don't love, I don't love you the most.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.

   Some people pride themselves on their hard work. I pride myself on doing so little and yet keeping my job.

   Last night I tried talking to the moon pretending it was you. And just like you, it maintained a distance and didn't reply. :(

   Oh, you like camping? I like drinking outside too.

   The couple that laughs together, stays together. If that's not a pro-weed slogan then nothing is.

   My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.

   Love is that gun we all use to commit suicide.

   You're sexy, but not "I don't care if you have horrible grammar" sexy.

   I turned my "Panic room" into a "Hispanic room" so that I have a place to wear my sombrero without being ridiculed.

   Aside from being hit and struck by a Smooth Criminal, how are you emotionally, Annie?

   I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.

   My girlfriend said I treat her like she doesn't exist so I told her I didn’t even know I had a girlfriend.

   My wife seems to be having a great day, I can't wait to ruin it by talking to her.

   At least he died doing what he loved: texting while driving.

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

   You know we're in a recession when they start making game shows where the winner gets a job.

   What if the real Slim Shady is paraplegic?

   I hate when a stranger smiles at me and I have to smile back and pretend I'm not dead inside.

   People would never be late if the Mario "running out of time" music started playing a few minutes before.