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used to play sports. Then I realised that you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything! 
was driving past the woods today and saw a group of bird watchers, so I flipped them the bird.
a kid said to me sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I threw a dictionary at him.
wonders if the person that invented the vibrator heard voices in his head that said, "if you build it, they will come."
What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You're the wind beneath my wings.
I zone out once my teacher says "This will not be on the test."
I like my women like I like my steaks. Dark with a warm pink center.
I have settled on my stripper name: Frosty Nipples
Criticism is the best sign you're onto something.
Why do people insist on speaking to me? It pretty much never goes well.
Does the Five Second Rule apply to beer?
This could be the best day ever... but it isn't. Again
The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you don't know how, the soggier your cereal gets.
Saw the mystery machine from Scooby Doo driving on the highway. Is this real life?
I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.
ME: So you're a drug dealer, huh? HER: It's called a pharmacist. ME: Oh, I get it. It's like how you can't say "bong" in a head shop, right?
Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while
Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.
"Well done, son. I'm very appointed in you." "Appointed?" "Opposite of disappointed." "You mean proud?" "Let's not get carried away, kiddo."
I tried to flash an oncoming driver to warn him of a cop but I think it was too dark for him to see my A** 