Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(

   My favorite post of yours is........ the one I hitch you to at night.

   Darth Vader had a hell of a case of emphysema.

   I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.

   Used the men's room at Taco Bell earlier and I'm pretty sure the guy in the stall was giving birth to a Buick.

   I didn't call you fat; I said wicker furniture normally doesn't scream like that.

   OMFG!! The Titanic sank!! The Titanic sank!!! - My status from 100 years ago today.

   My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow.... I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button.

   I hate when people are trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of doing something really important... like being awesome.

   I got a job as a bounty hunter in China, I couldn't believe my luck!...Every time they put up a new wanted poster, the guy they were looking for was standing right next to me!

   Reports say that credit ratings are soon to be abolished for private individuals. All you need these days is a valid receipt from a your local gas station!

   I got fired from the quality control department at the mirror factory. They all looked perfect to me.

   I almost sh!t myself when my friend told me that the government has access to a database that tells them everything about you, and even where you are on a daily basis. He said: It's called Facebook or something.

   I heard in some places they bannned cigarettes from gas stations. That's a shame, I always smoke after I get f*cked.

   My girl jus told me that she is going to start "act like a woman and think like a man" so I guess that means when she is in the kitchen making a sandwich she is going to be thinking about sex!

   Anything with Friday in it can't be all bad. Now Monday the 13th, that's another story.

   Please don't walk a mile in my shoes. Your feet probably smell and I don't want smell in my shoes.

   Fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia. Heck I'm just afraid of that word.

   I think people who challenge me at WORDS WITH FRIENDS are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.

   You can tell how much you like someone by how strong the urge to check your phone is when you're with them.