SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   A fauxhawk is a good way of letting people know they can beat you in a fight.

   If you listen to the new Coldplay album on very good speakers you can actually hear the band growing ovaries.

   I'm about to get in the middle of some girl-on-girl action with Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth.

   My favorite thing about senior citizens is their medicine cabinets.

   Hah! Got my inflatable Santa Jesus up before you this year, Henderson. SUCK IT, CHRISTMAS LOSER!!!

   Coffee is a gateway drug. You end up stirring liquid with increasingly larger sticks until eventually you're paddling a kayak.

   Don't forget to set your clocks back to a time when you believed dreams came true!

   There really should be a Web site that explains how to properly tie an ascot on a cat.

   NASA has received funding to develop a tractor beam. Step 1: Buy new pants for nerds who just wet themselves.

   Bedbugs - the original Pillow Pets!

   The California roll is just the pig-n-the-blanket of sushi, right?

   Lazy Rule #33: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.

   I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn't home when you called."

   My hometown is great for sightseeing if you want to see the People of Walmart in their natural habitat.

   Million Dollar Idea: Toilet paper with short stories on them.

   Yea, autocorrect, I meant "nymph" instead of "my phone" because I am a 16th Century poet.

   I've applied for a job at the DMV so I can be the one who decides who can have a license and who will f***ing walk.

   I think the smartest, most original thing a person can talk about is how early the Christmas decorations are up this year.

   In my experience, passionately singing Phil Collins will clear a room.

   Leftover Chinese food makes a damn fine breakfast.