Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   They should make car gas tanks more realistic, in the shape of asses.

   If you had a donkey and it ate a roosters feet and got sick, would you call the vet and say your ass doesn't feel good because there is two feet of c0ck in it?

   Kids are supposed to be so tech savvy these days but my 9-month-old just wants to lick my iPhone.

   The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky

   These stale great value brand Doritos taste like middle class sadness.

   Swimming can be confusing… some people do it for fun.. I do it not to die.

   Wow... I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look.

   People love to push the envelope. What they dont' know is that papercuts really hurt when I shove that envelope right back up their ass.

   I picked up a hitchhiker today... Dragged him for 2 miles before the f*cker finally fell off my car.

   I told my ex to make sure she gives 100% today... she's on her way to donate blood.

   People like you are the reason people like me take pills... and I'm OK with that. ;)

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.

   (Oh) = Stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f*ck you. (Fine) = f*ck it. (I guess) = I don't give a f*ck.

   "H3y what r yhu dooinq?" ... About to throw a dictionary at your face.

   *Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower. (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."

   Handicap people should get a $200 ticket for parking in the regular spots.

   I hate when fat women can't cook... Ummm okay, woman you just fat for no reason?

   F*ck an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone," I know what to do.