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comes here for status updates because he doesn't have sick children, could care less about the weather, and already knows what day of the week it is. 
I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.
prediction: yankees will win 28th world series
If my MTV carreer doesn't work out I think i'm goin to buy a gun.. and sell crack. I'll be a friendly crack dealer though, nothing too formal. I'll just be like 'what's up, want some crack?'
Turns out cloud 10 is actually the accumulated farts of everyone on cloud 9.
sometimes, you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life.
in financial ruins.. well, i'm off to the mall to buy things that I don't need to make me feel better about my debt. :
this aint the end.. its only the beginning of the end...
"They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "They" are just poor virgins.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
Who thought it was a good idea to make commercials 5 minutes longer than the actual show you are watching?
I saw a woman with a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that said "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"
You can't please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.
Facebook: Lying to people you know. Twitter: Be honest to people you don't know.
Most of the fun things I've done have never been smart ideas.
It takes a special kind of crazy to marry a divorce lawyer.
You never know who your real friends are until you are in need and then you'll be surprised who shows up.
A back-up plan means your first plan sucks.
The police should make criminals open Facebook accounts. It seems the easiest way to get a confession out of them without any interrogation.
I think the no passing notes at school policy should apply to teachers too. 