Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Went deep-sea fishing with my neighbor yesterday. He was tough to get on the hook, but you should see the shark I caught!

   "I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common....... I hate you too. Let's date.

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.

   This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   Pissing me off is like kissing a Rattle Snake... it's just not a good idea.

   Every time I get really drunk I start acting like I'm British, and by that I mean I drive on the left side of the road.

   I do my best Kool Aid Man wall busting impression when I arrive at a party and find out there's no booze.

   Well, it's almost that time of year I find out who my real friends are when I start getting calls from friends I haven't heard from since last Summer. You know, since I have a swimming pool and all.

   I wish relationship history was as easy to delete as browser history.

   Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA HA HA!!!

   I think they call it the LIFETIME network because when you are forced to watch one of those stupid shows IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT.

   One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.

   Inspirational status of the day: Don't be a douche.

   Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could've given her a heads up, but then I wouldn't have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.

   Keep me in mind. Somewhere down the road you might get lonely.

   Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn't read them.

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for sh!t to happen.

   A realtor called asking if I'm interested in selling my house. I'm interested in my neighbour selling his so I booked him an appointment.