Funny Status Messages

   Ending my year pregnant! Starting my year pregnant!

   there a sale on stupidity, cause that shi* is everywhere.

   The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

   One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’ His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’ He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

   This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie: “If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”

   One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

   If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

   Dear Eric, Canada isn’t for sale. But feel free to borrow some Canadian snow to cool down your dad’s hot air.

   Don't expect any New Years resolution from me. I intend on staying the same awkward, outspoken delight you have all come to know and love.

   Gary's tips for the holidays: 1. Forget the past. You can't change it. 2. Forget the present. I didn't get you one.

   Why does everyone fall on the floor laughing when I tell them I've been good this year?

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still fun to bonk someone over the head with.

   A friend will be there with tissues. But a best friend will be there with a baseball bat saying, "Who hurt you and do I need a shovel"?

   WOW, This cold Medina tastes funky

   Christmas is an illusion. It's based on 2 fairy tales. One features a guy in a red suit, the other in a crummy stable without Netflix.

   I upset my wife the other day. I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

   I'm mad about how fast my life went from MySpace to MyChart.

   If you see me in the next few days, just assume I’m either shopping, wrapping, baking, or pretending I’m not panicking.

   The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to wrap everything you own in tinsel and hope for the best.

   My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him I'm married now, and that's where I sleep.