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DRUNK DIAL: The lame assumption that when you drink heavily that people want to talk to your emotional ass at 4am! 
A boyfriend is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives an impression he just cleaned the entire house.
Pandora just played songs from Footloose, Rocky and Top Gun. I am so ready to dance through a warehouse, chase a plane with a motorcycle, and fight a Russian now.
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no really!! If I ask you how old your child is, and you say something stupid like 87 weeks. then we're fighting!
In a perfect world.. Watching porn would actually update your computer.
thinks marriage should be a 4 year contract with an option to renew.
Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
it takes me five minutes to get dressed and fifty-five minutes looking for my other shoe....
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade
my daughter saw a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does, "A f r I c a n Elephant"
Sitting at home looking at boobies on the internet is much like being at a strip club. You are drunk as hell, can't actually touch them and there is usually some weird ass music playing, but at least it's cheaper!
Just finished watching Karate Kid... Why am I throwing high kicks and making ninga sounds? Yaaaaaaa hoo!
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
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