Funny Status Messages

   Someone needs to invent a DVR that records dreams.

   If you're telling me to relax, it's probably your fault that I'm not.

   "How are feeling today?" is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.

   Just once I'd like to learn something the easy way.

   I feel sorry for people who don't drink; when they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

   Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser!

   the 1 item on my Black Friday shopping list this year is a mistletoe belt buckle for myself.

   I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal."

   Did Greek sculptors make their subjects stand outside in the cold, or have penises just gotten a lot bigger since the ancient times? Either way, trips to the museum always boost my ego."

   Since you're asking....I want a mistletoe belt buckle for Christmas.

   I just received a letter from my bank that said I am approved for a loan and a line of credit. Somebody, somewhere, made a huge mistake."

   T.S.A. pat downs on children are a direct violation of their civil puberties

   I wondered why everytime I would visit my grandma at the retirement home they were having a Hawaiian luau until I learned that flowery clothing was the fashion trend of old people.

   The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn't work. I'm going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.

   I think it's funny when someone updates their status with a depressing quote or about something bad that happened, and then people “like” it. The “like” button has become used more than a gas station bathroom.

   BREAKING NEWS: Philip Morris teams up with TSA to offer free cigarette after clearing airport security. (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~

   in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.

   jumping as high as possible so he can take a sneak peek of Friday's preview.

   I wish for once they'd kill that Harry Potter.

   I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.