Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest sh!t.

   I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.

   Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.

   I just had 14 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is f*cking awesome!

   Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

   Never wear a G-string backwards while doing jumping jacks........ and I don't want to talk about this anymore...

   Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...

   You know you are in a bad part of town when you fear being robbed by the convenience store clerk...

   It;s amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumbass!"

   Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like... "Dude, shouldn't you be hanging out with people your own age?"

   Sometimes I want to punch words right back into people's mouths.

   100% of the people that talk sh!t about your life, have sh!ttier lives than you.

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"

   Tip: Instead of doing that thing where you obviously crop your ex out of the photo, you could actually just take a new picture.

   I tried to stop a jukebox like the Fonz. In a related note I'm the proud owner of 15 new stitches, just in case you were wondering how cool I was.

   I don't understand why my friend and his wife won't talk to me anymore... They are vegetarians so I think it's well within my right to call their kids "Children of the Corn."

   The fairies say I drank too much cough syrup but I don't believe in fairies so...... Wait

   Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick..

   I am sick but I must say that I am extremely sexy with my hair all mushed up and my body glistening with Vicks rub...

   My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.