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Every Christmas Eve my family tries to break the record of number of people stuffed into one kitchen. 
If you always do what you have always done, then you will get what you have always got.
I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a d!ckhead, but you'll get used to it"
I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
I upgraded...am I supposed to feeel differntly?
This job thing is for the birds, how does one go about signing up for the welfare?
Trapped in a mine in New Zealand... Shouldn't be too bad. ...If you can avoid the orcs, trolls and the gigantic Balrog.
loves selling stuff on the internet to people who don't know him ...he's already sold the same homing pigeon 24 times on eBay.
Girls are like universities. he spend hours looking at them, only to realise he can't get into any of them.
can't believe he got sacked from the calendar factory...All he did was take a day off.
Waking the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.
If you thought the Vuvuzelas at South Africa were annoying, wait til you hear the automatic weapons the Russians bring to the World Cup.
working as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.
Just downloaded the new FIFA to his Laptop, tried to open the file and it said it was corrupt.
I saw a poor old lady slip on the ice this morning and knock herself out......I assume she was poor cause she only had 48 cents in her purse!
Remembering things on my own makes me feel like I'm cheating on Google.
of all the copyright infringements on youtube.....they leave Justin Beiber, Jermaine Dupris and Master P.....but they remove Bob Marley!! What's next....make weed illegal??
Dear Oprah, thanks for clarifying you're not a lesbian. We were all wondering...
#1 I am sorry to break this to you baby but you are not #1. you are not even #10. To be honest I don't think you even made the speed dial list! However, you will always be my favorite Grandma!
#1-900 I used to like to talk to you on late Friday nights when all my friends were out with their girls. Then you went and raise your rates! 