Funny Status Messages

   enough about what's on my mind, what's on yours?

   beauty is power, and a smile is its' sword.

   I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you and everyone else, so I can't help that.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

   Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.

   Note to Self: Hang up phone BEFORE talking sh!t.

   Do I need a receipt to bring sexy back?

   I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.

   You know that movie where the guy needs to keep his adrenaline level up or he dies? My weekend was just like that, except the opposite.

   I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm taking a dump.

   Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.

   Video game truths: anyone with a lower score than me is a loser and anyone with a higher score is a loser with no life!

   Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.

   The TSA, groping and handling more packages than USPS since 2001!

   Being a housewife is hard work! Some nights I only get 10 hours of sleep.

   A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met? Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown.

   Friendly Reminder to all: Is "Poke" a Blonde Week! poke ur favorite blonde, or all!

   going to set up a dating website for pyromanics and call it mymatchbook

   madder than a midget with a yoyo!

   gastric bypass...gives new meaning to your eyes are bigger than your stomach.