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Everyone has that one friend you just can't bring anywhere cause they always embarrass you. If you can't think of who that friend is, it's you. .. 
every time a toy breaks...an elf gets beaten..
New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”
Why does every BLACK joke start with the person looking over both shoulders and talking quiet?
Just took a dump and thought to myself... What did people do before iPhones? How awkward it must have been reading them huge newspapers.
I bet you were one of those kids that ate the paste while gluing on cotton balls to make Santa's beard.
Wanna play "Santa"? I let you sit on my lap and tell me what you want. I pretend to listen, call you a ho ho ho, stuff your stocking and you swallow some egg nog.
Officer: You know why I pulled you over just now? Me: You didn't see me the first two times?
My sandwich told me I was crazy so I ate him, because crazy people don't eat talking sandwiches.
Brett Favre just said "I probably won't participate tonight because of stiffness", I bet he's never said that before
Winter Weather Advisory: Go back to bed until mid April.
Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!
its so cold outside, that my grandmother's false teeth was chattering (and they are in a jar)
It's been almost a year, and just for the record, you're STILL lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.
Every kiss may begin with Kay, but it ends with a high credit card bill!
If they REALLY wanted us to have a happy period tampons would vibrate
"Roses are reddish, Violets are Bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, We'd all be Jewish." ~ Benny Hill
I now know what that black stuff is between elephants toenails....slow natives.
Ok I've had enough of this winter crap. I say we plot now to take out the groundhog. I got a shotgun.
If Windows 7 is my idea, why the heck do I have to pay for it? 