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My buddy Jim has an impressive New Year's resolution. No more sex, no beer, no football, no nights out with the guys and no looking at other women. He's getting married tonight!! 
Beer companies keep telling you to think when you drink, but they think is that when you drink you can still think. The truth is, when you drink you can't think. So before you drink, think-- then don't drink.
It's a Red Bull kind of day.
trying to think of a good way to show off to everyone the superman underwear I got for Christmas.
I may still be single but I know that I have saved a lot of money on a wedding and even more on the divorce.
Just read the instructions on a stick of deoderant "remove top and push up bottom". Having trouble walking but farts smell great!
Whenever I'm drinking Vodka and eating Nacho flavored Doritos, I always seem to have to spend the next morning apologizing for things I said on Facebook. I guess I really need to stop eating Nacho flavored Doritos
An hour and 11 minutes after midnight tonite is 1-1-11 @1:11AM. A memorable time to text and express love to your 1 & only :D
The hospitals are running low on plasma and need donations. Apparently people bought more TVs for Christmas than they expected so they need to make more.
Someday we will be wheeling down the hall in that nursing home trying to have a race until the assistants come and take us to where we should have been
Note to self: If you ever accidentally bump into a person who looks just like the young woman who starred in "Precious", do not ask her if she's the young woman who starred in "Precious"....Geeeeeez
"New Racy Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked." If you really want to shock us, leak some photos where she's reading a book.
Grams, Ounces, Kilos. Drugs: Blending the world's units of measurement, teaching math skills and uniting continents for decades.
The dentist just said I need a crown, so I jumped up and yelled, "I'm king of the dentists!" The nitrous made it funny
It's 2011. You'd think we'd have a toothpaste that doesn't ruin orange juice by now.
cheating is such a harsh word,i prefer "outsourced sexlife"
pro gay marriage,can`t see any reason they should have it any easier
i like it when theres lots of snow on the road it gives the cops an excuse for me to be swerving all over the road when I'm drunk
I'm quite the match maker. Just matched up whiskey with some ginger ale.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. 