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I just got home from the convenience store where I saw two homeless people making out. It was gross so I was about to yell "Get a Room", luckily I caught myself just in time 
The man on a date always wonders if he'll get lucky but te woman already knows
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
Confucius say Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner if she stops sucking, replace the bag
For those of you whose New Years Resolution is to lose weight. There is one simple diet that works. It is, as follows: If it tastes good - spit it out.
Sometimes, I think facbook doesn't know me at all. People You May Know? I don't know any of these MoFo's!!!
When telling someone the first rule about Fight Club, aren't you in fact breaking that rule yourself?
Jersey Shore is the reason for mental retardation in America. #teamlohan
Dear Hotel Decorator, why do you insist on putting the coffee maker next to the toilet?
Johnny Weir came out as gay in his new book.... in other news the sky is blue
..Elizabeth Edwards leaves hubby John out of will. Somewhere in NY, Bill Clinton sits nervously, wondering
Wow! I just heard something on TV as "Welcome to the Million Dollar Money Shot!" I was most disappointed to discover I misheard the word "drop".
if you're on a dating site and put that your "not looking for anything serious" in your profile why not be honest and just say "l need to get laid!"
poking someone right after they accept your friend request dirty?
In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.
it sad that I'm more excited for jersey shore tonight, then I was when the ball was dropping on new years eve???
My girlfriend told me I don't appreciate her anymore. Well that makes sense since she doesn't blow me anymore.
I feel like Mr. Rogers when I wear a sweater...just not as sexy.
I'm playing the F YOU song in your presence for a reason. Subliminal message delivered. 