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Rather than vote, let's all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide. 
One time I ran into an old friend and she said "omg you haven't met my baby" and I said "omg I had went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a damn cat.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
"Vitamin Water"?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP
I sure talk a lot of crap for someone who can't spell "Wednesday" without having to say "Wed-nes-day" in my head.
It's raining it's pouring and.......I never claimed to be a poet.
Microsoft Word! I try and move an image 1mm to the left, but all text and images shift, fonts change, four more pages appear...in the distance, sirens.
ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about "cover your pin" mf you the thief
A slice of apple pie is $1.40 in Jamaica, and $2.60 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Katherine Johnson was a badass mathematician until the very end. She waited until turning 101 so she can die on her “Prime”
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return. ~Me flirting
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies..
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks. I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I'm fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Taco Bell is testing a new dessert item called Cap'n Crunch Delights. They are warm doughnut holes filled with sugary cream and rolled in Cap'n Crunch. They really know how to capture the flavors of old Mexico.
Florida became a state on this day in 1845. The amazing thing is that most of Florida’s population was alive to witness it.
Happy birthday to Alexander Graham Bell. In his honor, I’ll be calling in sick. 