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Somewhere out there, someone's grandma's recipe for dill bread reads "... allow dill dough to rise". 
I want to be " Bill Gates, where is that money you owe me" rich!
When your body is sore, Exercise your mind.
Always keep several Get Well cards on the mantel. If unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.
I can no longer "drop it like it's hot", so I "squat like it's warm".
As the great philosopher Miley Cyrus once said "So I put my hands up they are playing my song the butterflys fly away, nodding my head like yeah, moving my hips like yeah, it's a party in the USA
One tub of crisco... One body pillow... One box of condoms... One cashier... One wink... One awkward moment.
Life has been so good to me that I just thought I would celebrate within myself and get ridiculously drunk tonight...
if you listen to the Charlie Sheen interview backwards you can hear Gaddafi laughing at Bambi dying.
when I go bowling I like to let my fingers do the walking and my balls do the talking.
remember afro sheen? now we got Charlie Sheen. ;)
Ambiguity Awareness….It's not what you think….
I have seen the light! Its a sign!! Its says "Live Nude Ladies" and I shall follow it.
There should be an Option on Facebook to change the language from English to Charle Sheen "dying is for Fools"
I thought you were good looking, until I clicked "view more pictures"
Do not be afraid to cry it does relieve the pain, remember there would be no flowers unless there was some rain
I thought you were good looking, until I clicked "view more pictures"
thinking of doing something to somebody that involves high pressure hose, cat litter, a modified cheese grater and a small brown Chihuahua named "Larry"
if you have certain names that are impossible to spell or pronounce, please be aware that your parents hated you.
Ugly people: Don't play hard to get, you're already hard to want. 