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Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Please tell me your secret because I would like to fit into these size 5 jeans. Sincerely, The Average Sized Woman 
I don't know what it is that you're doing to make it appear as if you're really stupid, but whatever it is, it's really working
Oatmeal raisin cookies are only eaten when mistaken for chocolate chip.
Somewhere out there, someone's grandma's recipe for dill bread reads ".. allow dill dough to rise".
There is no greater revenge then one who dig's their own grave
just booked a flight to the west coast so I can observe the sun setting on Charlie Sheen's ass
my manly shoulders will be here for you to cry on, as soon as your husband admit's he's gay....
Read somewhere that there are 32 accepted spellings for Ghadafi. May I also suggest "K'Daffy."
I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.
So after watching the hilarious interview I feel closer to Charlie Sheen because have a lot in common. Tiger blood and Adonis DNA..
I'm like a cold-cut of amazing sandwiched between two pieces of awesome! Charlie Sheen 2011
That awkward moment when someone you don't like sends you a friend request, then you decline. Then they send another one.
word of the day: Dictate. You can use it in a sentence like "My girfriend says my dictate good"
Women have to shave our armpits. Whose idea was that? That's a concave area with a straight razor. The best I can do is a mohawk.
Bree Olson and company, dont go thinking you all are something special....Even Hugh Hefner went through " GODDSSES " like toilet paper...im just sayin!!!
Even after watching the interview tonight Charlie Manson was thinking "This boy has lost his mind!"
20/20, Piers Morgan, Howard Stern........ I think the only show Charlie Sheen hasn't been on in the past three days is Two And A Half Men!
feeling the after b-day fb blues ...there's only 1 post from a friend on my wall..and it's farmville..
Wondering if the next Charlie Sheens tv show will be called "Two And A Half Grams."
tired of trying to be perfect, and has decided instead to try to just be herself, in hopes that one day, just maybe, that will be enough. Besides, everyone else is already taken. 