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Hey Obama, I could really use that "change" right now! I'm at the gas pump and could really use some extra quarters!! 
The least they can do while screwing me at the gas pump is to pull my hair!!!
I was getting ready for a costume party, and tried leaving the house in my boxers holding a bottle of wine, my gf asked me what are you doing, I said I am going as Charlie Sheen..
Be sure to drink your Charliesheen!
the New Jersey Devils are winning at a pace that would make Charlie Sheen envious
According to a recent survey... Arizona is the 29th happiest state in the U.S... I'm not sure how I feel about that...
International Women's Day... Because it's not like you want attention on any other day...
I wanna be a billionaire so freakin bad buy all of the things I never had...I wanna be on the cover of Playboy magazine smiling next to Charlie Sheen...
Fat Tuesday, the day obese people look forward to. The day they think it's socially acceptable to wear leggings and belly shirts. It's not.
Inmate: Dam Officer these cuffs are to tight.... Me: Ooooh my wife says the same thing all the time. Quit whining!
Radio One DJ Chris Moyles has announced he will perform a record-breaking 37 hour radio show. If rumours are to be believed then during his time on air he will play almost a dozen records.
"Boob" is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view, and the b looks like the side view.
There are 206 bones in the human body. This can rise to 209 on a regular basis if your name is Jordan.
Immature = a word, boring people use to describe fun people
I'm pretty sure when Charlie Sheen said he had "Tiger Blood" in him, he was referring to the golfer, not the animal. duh!..Winner!
upset :( threw my iPhone with the "flight mode" on, but it didn't fly...
Electrolux - Teaching women their place for over 50 years
Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy. Men have to deal with Women. It's all about balance.
I asked my wife why her facebook password was SneezySleepyDopeyDocHappyBashfulGrumpy she said it needed to be seven characters
My wife would buy anything. Just this afternoon I came home to find a naked man in her closet. 