SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   My favorite part of Thanksgiving is stuffing the turkey. By turkey I mean the hot cashier at the grocery store.

   I don't think I'll ever forgive the media for covering “Dancing with the Stars” like it's news.

   Just wrote my rent check in hieroglyphics, that should delay things for a while.

   4:55 am. Just got back from sneaking into all of your bedrooms and putting your hands in bowls of lukewarm water.

   I'm currently seeking a corporate sponsor for my retirement.

   The AMA does NOT reward talented MUSICIANS for making remarkable music, it rewards ENTERTAINERS for entertaining the easily entertained.

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.

   It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it.

   "The Force" is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can't tell he is kissing his own sister?

   The most awkward place to run into a homeless person is on your way to a Coinstar.

   When it rains in LA it's the tears of all the unemployed party clowns.

   Turns out "LEGO" is Danish for, "Ouch! That hurt my foot!"

   People need to stop trending #LMFAO. I've seen obesity statistics, you're not laughing anything off.

   My "safe place" is filled with unstable chemicals and psychedelic teddy bears with knives for claws, so I guess it's kind of a misnomer.

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.

   Very little happens at 3 o'clock in the morning, but when it does, it's usually very memorable.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   I'm not saying this plane is small & rickety but I'm pretty sure the crossword puzzle was filled out by the Big Bopper.

   Has that kid in the Dreamworks logo even caught a single fish yet?

   Facebook is great for reminding me why I lost touch with certain people in the first place.