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In the movie of life, I'd probably be credited as "Bar Guy #3". 
today has been so boring and uneventful, there must be a twist ending in the works. Like one of my co-workers will be revealed as a cyborg, or someone will get eaten by a bear.
My boss doesn't like it when I play slavery songs at work….
The awkward moment when your laughing at a joke then you realise its about you
The Dentist is the only man certified to say to a woman, "Lay down, relax, open wide, say ahh, now spit."
AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married, There will be no reception.
We all have a lil devil and an lil angel on our shoulders... Only problem is my lil devil is a hypnotist...
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. Never happens.
For fun, I like to tase people at renissance fairs, it makes me feel like an evil wizard.
Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. I thought he was an alien.
I'm so awesome that before I was born, my mother had an ultrasound, and they asked for a sequel.
God's little inside joke..Give a man a heart & feelings that can be crushed in a matter of seconds.
I'm Not Walking With My Head Down Because I'm Sad, My Head Is Down Because I Want To Be The First Person To Find Whatever You Lose.
Go to google, type in 'giraffes are' and check out the auto complete suggestions...
"Hello? George? This is Barack. I need to talk to you about Libya..."
You decided to show your true colours.....guess I didn't like the painting.
AT&T should make a commercial with the pink dress girl naked and say, hey tmobile where is your clothes? And the girl can say you bought it right off my back.
Hahaha AT&T bought out t mobile. After all the hating on tv, they sold out, shows how much better your 4g network is.
AT&T is buying T-Mobile for $39 billion. It was a tough call for AT&T, but then again—EVERY call is a tough call for AT&T.
If a man tells you he deleted those pictures off is phone....he didn"t delete them.
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