Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Charlie Sheen is like an old kung fu movie, his mouth stops moving but he still keeps talking.

   Wouldn't it be great if Ctrl+Alt+Del worked on stupid people?

   There is nothing worse than being stuck in a car with cold feet and having dog sh*t on your shoes :/

   When you don't know the difference between your/you're and their/there then we/us don't know what the hell YOU'RE saying over THERE.

   S.I.N.G.L.E = Stay Intoxicated Nightly Get Laid Everyday

   I think Buno Mars would be an awesome wingman..he'd be catching all the grenades for me! lol

   Women don't want to hear what you think...Women want to hear what they think- in a deeper voice.

   What All Fortune Cookies Should Say: You are about to take a dump in 10 minutes.

   I spy on my girlfriend to make sure she doesn't cheat by cutting two eye-holes in a massive newspaper. I'm so behind the times.

   Fact of the day: You can't spell 'prostitution' without 'STI'

   Whilst cooking I got some herbs in my eye. I am now parsley sighted.

   Last night during some role play my wife dressed up as Lara Croft. The effort was nice but she reminded me more of a fridge raider.

   Scientists have discovered a human jawbone that is over 2 million years old. They believe it belonged to a woman as it was still f-kin moving.

   I was awarded the title of "Saddest Man in the World". I was so happy about it they took it off me...

   I was chatting to a girl in a club last night. She said to me, "Can I have your mobile number?" I said, "No way, I've had that number for years".

   Money talks, and unfortunately mine only can say "goodbye!"

   Its not insomnia. I choose to be awake.

   wondering who paid $40000 for a lock of Justin biebers hair. Maybe a paedophile wants to use the DNA to clone him.

   going to Hawaii. I'm so excited. I havent been there since the last time I was there.

   so excited! Theres only one more sleep til I'm awake again. Can't wait.