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thats why you get your drivers license photo taken when your drunk , that way you can tell the officer that your not drunk , you always look that way. 
Woke up with a post it note on the end of my foot saying "Gone to market"...
making Sunday my favorite day since Rebecca Black ruined Fridays.
My funny Facebook statuses are my contribution to society.
I want a job naming military operations. It be great to hear a stoic general talk about how "Operation My little pony" was a success
When life throws you a curve, downshift and take it vigorously.
a man donates blood to his girlfriend. they break up. he says he wants his blood back. she throws a tampon at him and yells 'I'll pay you monthly!!'
Just because you have headphones in your ears blocking external sound, does not mean your farts to not make noise.
it's going to be cold today, Nips don't lie. - update from Shakira
All men were not created equal, look around more often
imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
if you take my jokes to heart... you deserve to be offended!!
What does Barbara Bush and Charlie Sheen have in common? They both like to blow a little dope.
Why do they no longer offer drivers ed and sex ed in schools in Mexico? The donkey died....
Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea? It's all over town.
If a robin makes red babies and a bluebird makes blue babies, what kind of bird makes no babies? A swallow.
What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
Whats the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches......
The Devil came in all his glory to tempt and recruit me, realized who he was talking to, apologized, and asked me for a job application instead.
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