Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Does anyone remember when gas was $1.09? Yeah neither do I.

   I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'

   How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

   Sometimes I think that life is one big test...and I'm in the wrong classroom.

   When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.

   When the toilet lids closed, it's turned into a seat.

   : Forecast for the weekend - On Friday, mild alcoholism with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement close to midnight on Saturday. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.

   *sends text message* *gets a reply 45min later* "Oh so it's like that? Ok, then I'm gonna take twice as long to text back!"

   Lying in bed, wondering if it's worth it to get up and pee.

   God puts people in my life for a reason... & removes them from my life for a better reason.

   Unfortunately, its hard to get real, useful advice nowadays. But on the other hand, you have different fingers...

   burned lots of calories tonday, otherwise known as "dinner". :)

   Facebook should change the "Friends" section to "Friends & People I've Only Made Eye Contact With".

   Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke

   I love you like a fat kid loves cake, but lately that fat kid has been on a diet.

   Old is when your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can't do both!”

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.

   There's always that one person who makes you wanna raise your middle finger every time they speak to you

   Love how yall ladies enjoy that show "Snapped" stories about women who go crazy on their men..So I decided I'm gonna create a show for men its gonna be called "She Just Wouldn't Shut-the-f*ck-Up

   A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.