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If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up. 
I didn't eat your magic mushrooms, the talking purple unicorn did!
Evil enters like a splinter and spreads like herpes...
Why does a woman have two sets of lips? One to argue with and the other to apologize
my mom said "i don't wanna fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I've got curtains that couldn't pass a drug test.
man says to wife "what would you do if I won the lottery"wife replies "take half and leave your ass"husband replies "good,i won 12 dollars here is 6 now get the hell out
would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.
with great power,come's a great electric bill.
nothing more say's you are a facebook stalker. Then updating your status with a girls name. When you meant to put it in the search box.
I'm A Serial Poker >:DD
Why does the Pope mobile have bulletproof glass? If the Pope is afraid to die, what chance does anyone else have!
I never point fingers but if you look at my toes... they're fully indicating whose a f*cking liar.
If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it.
Every girl has 3 guys in her life: one she loves, one she hates, and the one she can't live without. But in the end, it's the same guy!
Girls have a bad habit of holding on for too long. Guys have a bad habit of letting go too easily.
Single guys need to get a fake ring. I've been hit on more in the last year since I have been married than in a LONG time. You women are scandalous, making me buy a bigger memory card for my contact list and all. Geesh!!!
Mutton Chops will never go out of style in my eyes.
It's amazing how much more money I have when I'm drunk.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
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