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it me or has anyone else noticed that when you REALLY REALLY REALLY need to go to the bathroom, you are always somewhere where there are no bathrooms around 
"I'm wrong, your Right, I'm sorry, it'll never happen again"..... Easiest way to solve an argument with the wife
Why yes Officer...I did see the speed limit sign...I just didn't see your car...
Why is Monday so far away from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?
Women have mysterious ability of communication..........They listen half.Understand quarter & can tell DOUBLE.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, "Oh. You really can't see, huh?" NO s**t sherlock. You don't see other people taking other people's wheel chairs saying, "Oh. You really can't walk, huh?"
Sanity is a luxury not meant for everyone
always seems to have the urge to use the bathroom when asked to do something that involves effort
I feel lSH*T ...you know the way those people felt when The Dave Matthews band emptied their RV's septic tank
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house. I got the outside.
You never realize how much you enjoy sleep until you wake up early.
Ok Ladies here are your choices , we leave the seat up , or we leave the seat down and let you clean up the piss , it can't be all about you
ever have the feeling someone is watching you? I guess it doesn't help that I'm looking into this mirror.
stop analyzing, criticizing, you should realize what I am & start epitomizing.
You can't find me cause I'm lost in the music.
I 'm trapped in a maze, therefore I am a-maze-ing.
I'd like to see Chaz Bono go to DC teach a few Democrats how to be a man.
I don't want a broken heart because I'll lose the pieces.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
I always had a peculiar sense of direction ,I just never knew where it would take me. 